January 18, 2011

Mama's Advice

My mother is one helluva character. Especially when she has wise advice to pass on to her offspring. Today she gave me two kinds of advice. Let me tell you: [All conversation with my mom is in Cantonese]

Lucky Black Stone Charm
Mom: Lubee, wake up. I want you to take me somewhere.
Me: For what?

Mom: I was listening to the radio today, and the man said that The Black stone charm repels off evil and bad luck. And you know your father's health, the man said it's perfect for people like your dad. 
Me: Oh.. okay. *She gives me the address to the place that sells these black stone charms and I take her to Rosemead*

We walk in to this random Buddhist store in the middle of nowhere on Rosemead Blvd./Valley. There was a room full of happy cackling old Chinese folk from their 40's-50's and aluminum trays full of food; fried rice and fruit. Turns out they were having a grand opening party. My mom walks up to one of the ladies behind the counter.

Mom: I heard on the radio that you were selling the Black Stone Charm.
Lady: Yes, we have some. But they are going out fast. *She grabs one of the charms from behind and hands it to my mom*
Mom: How much are they? 
Lady: $10 each.

That's it?! I was expecting a piece of gleaming obsidian or a glittery rock with carved marks on it. But this was just a piece of black thing shaped as a gourd. I wasn't even sure if it's a real stone, probably glass. I looked around and everyone was wearing the charms as a necklace. In utter disappointment:
Me: Mom you don't have to get me one, just get one for you and dad. I don't need it.

Lady: Well young people don't like to wear it. But it's great to put it on your rear view mirror in your car. 

Then some old lady comes and gives my mother and me some sticky black bean dessert. 
Mom: I'll take 3.

This isn't the first time she bought an object that was suppose to bring good luck or ward off evil. Last time she went to Beijing and came back with this. 

The dragon I'll believe, but the Mao Zedong Gold Medallion is the most ridiculous of all. We actually have two of these, the other one is smaller, heavier, and his actually gold plated. Do you really think Mao, a communist leader, will actually repel evil? Especially when he didn't allow religion during his reign. 

Where to Meet Boys 
[Illustrated for your entertainment.] 

Mom: Hey Lubee, turn down the volume. I want to talk to you.

Me: *turns down stereomood* yeah?

Mom: I've noticed you've been home a lot lately. You should be out meeting new people. You know the ah Po (old lady) who lives next door tells me that there's a lot of young people your age at her Chinese church. The youth group has a lot of fun and go on trips together. And maybe you can meet a nice boy there who is preferably rich or a medical student.

At this point, I'm doing whatever to drown out my mom's voice. But she still continues to talk as if I was studiously taking notes.
Mom: I know dad doesn't like the idea of you dating before you graduate from college or even coming home late. He's very old fashioned. I give you permission to date, but I won't tell him anything. Remember Jane Doe? Her daughter would mingle and come home late. And her father would yell at her and call her a hussy and such. Turns out, she was meeting a boy who is a doctor. Now they are married. So don't be a good girl.

Me: *Howling in laughter* What?! What did you just say? Don't be a good girl?

Mom: I mean the girl who stays home all the time and does laundry and washes dishes. I'm not telling you to go out drinking and sleep with guys. I'm just telling you to go out more and meet more Asian boys. No other ethnicities, I don't want mixed grand children.

Me: What makes you think I don't have any Asian guy friends?!

Mom: They are all short little things, which is why you should stop wearing heels. You scare off all the Asian boys away. (I am 5ft7in, almost 5ft8in. Which is Godzilla for a Chinese girl)

I'm crying from laughter and from embarrassment because it's all true. FML.
Mom: You better start looking now, or they will all be snatched up. You listen to me from now on okay? I'll personally take you to Church next Sunday and then we'll throw away all your heels.

Conclusion: She means well.

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